


TORNtainment

by lalois



Series: TORNtainment [1]
Category: Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: Difficult Decisions, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Undecided Relationship(s), Unrequited Love, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-09-13 06:51:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9111310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalois/pseuds/lalois
Summary: Is TORN one dead concept? Ryo is feeling like he’d like to be more around Ohkura, but the latter is involved with someone else and isn’t interested at all. Then, their annual live tour opens up: can things change?





	1. Sayonara wa Itsumo

**Author's Note:**

> Mainly set during the Takoyaki EighterTainment tour. Based on some facts which actually happened.

The promise had been made quite long time ago, after a particularly sober yet disruptive sex night spent together.

 _"Never be apart,_ " Ryo had told his lover in a hoarse whisper against his skin. " _We're TORN, but we'll never be apart. Never."_

The drummer had held Ryo's frail naked figure tighter to him, kissing sloppily the sweaty temple and the guitarist's damp hair.

 _"Never_ ," Ohkura had repeated slowly, almost to himself, the intimate preciousness of Ryo's promise lulling him as a whole.

As far as he did know, Ryo did never promise anything to anyone.

He was a man of his word indeed, but also a guy who preferred never to promise, if he eventually had to choose.

But fate and time passing could be faithful traitors.  
The more Ohkura grew into a fine, attractive young man, the more he got his spotlight, the more he was keen on taking a liking to fancy girls. Even, seriously.

Not that they had not the right to.  
Not that they had ever mentioned being exclusive.

So when Ryo had kept carrying on his relationship with Gakki-chan longer than usual and Ohkura had taken a liking in being tangled up in Serina's bed more than he had expected, none of them had in mind what was left of their old promise.

Until the day Ryo had found himself continuously doing fan service stuff almost absentmindedly towards his favourite drummer, for the mere purpose of gaining back his attention to the splendor it once was.

Because Ohkura had never missed to catch his gaze whenever he looked up from his drums on the stage and Ryo turned to give his back to their audience, just for him.  
Ohkura had never failed to look naughty, every time Ryo had glanced up at him especially.  
Ohkura had always loved to be looked at by Ryo, and they both knew how special that bond was for the two of them. There was no other duo among Kanjani8 which could be called TORN, after all.

But habits changed, and Ohkura didn’t exchange looks with him anymore.

The drummer's relationship with the famous actress Yoshitaka Yuriko had been openly found out by the tabloids after the Bali escapade, and apart from the obvious and severe scolding the drummer got at the Jimusho, there had been almost no visible consequences for the youngest member of Kanjani8.

Ryo felt strangely different, though.  
Since when, he had asked himself.

Maybe it had been when Ohkura had been hospitalized on the last day of their previous Genki tour, when he had felt such dread and despair in hearing the news, that he almost couldn't actually believe what was going on with him in the first place.

Or maybe when the drummer had had his very same thoughts about the “Steal your Love” tune, so that they had ended up sharing the song and even the bed one night, after quite long from their last time.  
It had happened some time before the Recital venue in Nagoya. During the rehearsals, Ohkura had complained about a little sty, and Ryo had made widely fun of that, in a way he hadn’t been used in doing for a long time.

 _“I’ll get vengeance for this, Ryochan. I swear I wil_ l,” the younger had mused, before a whole set of glasses of good beer.  
“ _Anytime_ ,” Ryo had winked.

That night, he had proved to be the charming guy he was recently known for. He had casually but repeatedly brushed Ryo’s knuckle with his own on their way back to the hotel, tickled his long fingers against the guitarist’s, and said no other word when Ryo had silently grabbed his hand firmly and led the two of them to his own room.

And then, Ryo got a sty, too, and fans in Nagoya had started wondering why he had kept his sunglasses for so long, and Ohkura had, too.  
There had been cute, little fan service in there, at least to their fans’ eyes.  
Could it really be called fan service?

Ryo wondered whether his feelings could be seen crystal clear through the picture Ohkura had taken of him, during their Ikemen Camera Mesen corner. He hoped not, but he knew he was poorly objective, and Shota’s knowing wink did also confirm his vague impression.

He and Ohkura had later enjoyed that filming together in Nakanoshima in Osaka for a Janiben corner. That had also brought back memories.  
Ryo had expected the drummer to stay with him in Osaka that night also, but that had not happened. And he felt utterly confused, because every night, before his eyes, he could see Ohkura’s irregular face through every date he had wasted his nights on lately.

Steal your Love.

To which purpose, Ryo wondered now, he didn't know, because Ohkura didn’t always seem to be interested in flirting with him the way he was, but didn’t even tell him to give it a rest.

“ _I’m sorry that happened_ ,” Ohkura finally confessed to him one day, while he was sipping his fourth hot coffee of the day.

_“That… what?”_

Ohkura giggled.

" _C’mon, Ryochan, you know what..."_

Ohkura seemed sort of embarrassed, and Ryo couldn't help but think the drummer looked genuinely handsome, more genuine than ever, like that.

" _I guess I felt a bit lonely, but it wasn't fair of me ending up… well, in bed with you. I didn't mean... I don't want you to misunderstand. I didn’t have to. We've not into that kind of relationship anymore."_

 _"Right_ ," Ryo found himself replying.  
Right what?

Ohkura smiled.

"I _truly care for her, you know?"_

“Right,” Ryo stupidly repeated.

Right, he thought as the drummer stood up and waved him bye, carrying a sweet smile. Why had he never realized it before?

It was so obvious.

Ohkura was in love. Just... not with him anymore.


	2. Kanashii Koi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryo's insomnia leads to something, but Ohkura isn't exactly happy of that.

Together with the concert excitement and fear, Ryo’s insomnia was back.

He spent every night awake, randomly picking up his guitar to try some chords, ending up humming struggled melodies before he could realize what he was doing.

When he was in bed, waiting for the damn sleep to come, he thought back at those times when Ohkura had so frequent sleepovers at his place before he'd move definitely to Tokyo.

"Why don't you stay and live here with me?" he had asked him back then.

Ohkura had replied with a wicked smile.  
"Thank you, Ryochan, but I need to move in my own place. It wouldn't be nice if I were to invite a girl over and she got to meet you. She would definitely choose you over me anytime, wouldn't she?"

Ryo had laughed back then.  
Maybe he shouldn't have.

He was so sure that Ohkura would have never refused him anything.  
He missed his company so much sometimes, despite him being of such a bad company more frequently than not.

They had started gaming together in summer, and when questioned by Maru about the two of them playing at video games even during private time, he had been the one replying lightly that no, they were not that close. And Ohkura had even added: “don't say it so straightforwardly Ryochan, it kinda hurts!"  
That had hurt him more.

It didn’t help that every time he closed his lids, he was filled with way too many memories about Ohkura before his eyes. Willing or not.

Stupid Ohkura who had confessed he had cried over the extremely beautiful song that Takahashi Yuu had written about him.

Ryo stood up and picked up his favourite guitar once again, the one he had even lent the damn drummer to let him practice more.  
He had looked so terrified in ruining it, but Ryo had insisted so much that in the end it also became Ohkura’s favourite one to play.

Ryo tried out a song, but stopped after a few lines.  
He took a pencil and some paper beside the drawer and scribbled down some notes and chords, then played them. It didn’t sound good enough, so he wrote some more, added other lines and a few lyrics, modified some others, then played again.

He closed his eyes and played his guitar until he could really feel it, until he could concentrate to the point of starting humming a brand new melody.

Could he really forget it all?

A few more lyrics, a lot more scribbles of his messy handwriting.  
“This is honestly gross, Ohkura…” he mumbled almost to himself, then smiled. “Yeah, it really is…”

Memories were painful.  
When Ohkura had pulled away, after the first wet awkward kiss they had shared, he had pouted.

“Gross, right?” Ryo had asked him, hoping the stupid drummer dared not object.  
“Nope.”  
Ryo had blinked.  
“If you really think this is gross, then why did you kiss me?” Ohkura had asked, locking his dark brown orbs with Ryo’s.

To Ryo’s eyes, back then the young drummer had had just a one percent of the physical charm he could be proud of right now, yet he was still the very same cheeky guy whose tongue could be even sharper than Ryo’s, and they both knew that.

“Because I wanted to,” he had confessed to him, and Ohkura had offered him a bright smile back.

Ryo’s melody echoed through the walls of his bedroom; he was playing fiercely now, his eyes closed, his whole being concentrated on the song.

“Because I want to, Ohkura,” he sang quietly. “I really want to.”

He didn’t realize time had passed by when he had picked up his mobile and clicked on the so well-known shortcut on the display.

In another silent bedroom, a buzz on the nightstand started bugging the sleep of a certain drummer, who suddenly woke up groaning. His long arm emerged from the blankets and reached for the noisy item.

“Hey,” Ryo said over the phone. “Judging by the time it took you to pick up the call, I guess you were snoring...”  
>Mmh… Ryochan? What’s up?<  
"Can you talk?"

Ohkura disentangled himself from his girlfriend’s sleeping figure and propped himself up a bit.

>Not really, you know…<  
"Could you come over, then?"  
>Eh?! Definitely not….<

Ryo thought about it before asking, but asked nonetheless.

"Is she with you?"  
>Are you even asking?! What the fuck, Ryochan?” <  
“Well then, I want you to listen. Can you listen?”  
>Listen to what?<  
“A song.”

Ohkura groaned again.

>It’s four in the morning and I’m sleepy, Ryochan, why the heck should I- <  
"I composed Steal your Love, Ohkura."  
>Eh?! <  
"I composed the true tune. Our own tune."  
>You’re nonsense.<  
“You need to listen, really.”  
>I don’t need to do anything but sleep right now. Sorry. <

After the drummer had abruptly hung up, Ryo kept listening to the echo of the interrupted call for long.  
And when he finally stopped and tossed the mobile amidst the pile of blankets, he felt that his cheeks were apparently wet with tears and he quickly brushed them away with his arm.

He was not supposed to cry over a guy.

Ryo didn’t sleep that night either, but made up his mind about what to do next.  
All he needed to do was to persuade Ohkura he had to listen to their song, at least.  
He had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should you be interested to know, pieces of true facts in here are the gaming together one (HERE the link) and Takahashi Yuu's song (his Beautiful titled song, based and dedicated to Ohkura, HERE)


	3. no-no-no

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's something happening during the filming of Noroshi PV, and Ryochan is having a hard time with it.

His song.  
Their song.

Ryo asked the drummer again; sweetly, at first, with the best puppy-eyed look he could think of, but given that Ohkura seemed not to be impressed, he tried to nag his band mate and remind him that they had always been there for each other when someone would need serious music advice.

Still, Ohkura always refused to, claiming he always had some new work issues coming up.  
As if he had none, Ryo wanted to scream.

As time vainly passed by, Ryo resolved that keeping quiet would have maybe worked better, and his pride did secretly agree.

Maybe Ohkura could have been caught off guard one day or another; he always carried the lyrics with him anyway, together with those of the brand new Tokyoholic song he was writing and arranging for the upcoming tour.  
It felt somehow like a precious burden.

Also, Ryo didn’t actually mind being quiet in wooing a guy; it was definitely something new for him and he was better off with it, to tell the truth, because it would have been too shameful to call it by its own name.

He still had to come to terms with the familiar yet peculiar warmth he had noticed that crept up within him every time the drummer ended up sitting not so far from him.  
He did also love sitting by Ohkura’s side, as far as he was concerned.  
It made him feel comfortable, not to mention it was easier for him to pretend he was just obliging to fan service stuff.

“We’re not being filmed,” Ohkura glared at him one day.  
“Eh?” Ryo innocently replied.

“Please stop touching me when it’s not needed for the fans. It makes me feel uncomfortable, Ryochan.”  
“You’re imagining things, Ohkura, really...”

The drummer narrowed his eyes.  
“If you say so. But please remember I’m not interested, okay?”  
“Sure.”

When he turned on the other side, Ryo silently groaned. It was no good that Ohkura was so wary of him lately. The rather pissed off look Ohkura gave him every time he ventured “something” was even worrying.

How come he was so into the stupid green ranger when the latter cared a damn nothing about him?

They could not drift away now that they had a brand new hot song to perform together during their live tour. They simply could not, right? If so, fate would be too ominous and cruel.

Some time later, during the making of their latest Black of Night PV, Ryo had found himself on the verge of something very dangerous. Because his hand had not so accidentally brushed Ohkura’s groin, and maybe he wouldn’t have stopped there, if only the drummer had not jolted like a raped woman.

"Ykes!" Ohkura shrieked aloud.

Ryo laughed while retrieving his hand, looked at Yokoyama-kun and pretended nothing had happened and, in the end, they had kept going on with their work.  
Ohkura had snorted even more loudly.  
And when the filming was finally over, the tallest member among Kanjani8 cornered the black-haired guitarist.

"Ryochan, can I have a moment, please?"  
Ryo smiled feebly.  
"Sure, go ahead."

Ohkura dragged him in the farthest spare room he had found, then closed the door behind him and faced the guitarist.

"Did you really have nothing better to do than groping me in front of the cameras?! What the heck, Ryochan?!"  
Ryo grinned.

"Well, my hand just happened to be there, you know..."  
"Oh, really? I did happen to notice you didn't perform the same with Yokoyama-kun who was exactly at your left side. So why not?"

Ryo bit his lip, but wouldn’t easily admit defeat either.  
"You’re making a fuss for an innocent grope, I really don't get it..."  
“It’s far from being innocent.”

"Oh c’mon, I was under the impression you didn't mind if something were to happen in front of the camera. It’s just fan service, right? So why sulking, now?”  
“Well, I don’t like it either. So just like I repeated countless time lately, please refrain from doing so.”  
Ryo shook his head in disbelief, laughing.

“Listen, Ryochan, I’m not dumb, you know?”  
“About what? Now, tell me.”

"It wasn't just a simple grope for you. I can tell."

Ryo didn't answer and narrowed his eyes, so Ohkura went on.  
“I know what you’re trying to do, and you know I’m not enthusiastic about it.”  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Ohkura rolled his eyes and cluck his tongue.  
"Listen, we can talk and laugh because we're friends, but this does not mean you're allowed flirting with me to this extent. I already told you countless times I'm not interested, Ryochan. I'm sick and tired of telling you I'm not a sex pet of yours. I have a girlfriend, Ryochan, and I am very happy with that. So please ref-"  
"You're an asshole," Ryo hissed, and Ohkura looked at him in disbelief.

"Sorry, I'm… I’m what?"  
"Nevermind."

"I'm WHAT, Ryochan?" Ohkura repeated, raising his voice.

"Don't call me Ryochan, you stupid asshole!" Ryo barked even more aloud. "It's you who make me sick! Just because you've got a pretty face, you think you can-"  
"I don't think a damn thing!" Ohkura shrieked loudly. "I'd just like you to leave me alone without all of this! I don’t need any of your attentions!"

Ryo glared at him, then shoved him aside, opened the door and left without another word.

What was the stupid drummer thinking?

It wasn’t a joke, and it was not like he wasn’t aware it was a forbidden joke. But he couldn’t help it.  
It wasn’t for the purpose of entertainment.  
It was… something more.  
Something wicked and dangerous, apparently.


	4. Sorry sorry love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They can't make up, but the EighterTainment tour is opening up...

The infamous TORN boys had not made up before the beginning of the concert, and this had let to a such catastrophic performance on stage of their Steal your Love song that nobody among the Kanjani8 members could pretend that nothing serious was going on.

"What's up with the two of you?” Subaru asked right after the Sapporo venue. “This was supposed to be a fucking hot song, but it's not even trying to be sexy to start with! If you need to spend a few hours' time in a bedroom together to get in the mood, just do it!" he hastily added.

"I don't need to spend more time with him for sure!"  
"Eh?" Five faces turned towards the drummer, whose furrow didn’t seem to lighten, not even when the band mates turned then to Ryo’s side, silently asking for an explanation.  
Ryo merely shrugged, unable to utter a word, so it was Ohkura who turned on his heels and did not celebrate with them, that night.

Ryo did not feel any better while having ten eyes fixed upon him during the late dinner.  
“Okay, okay, I’ll get it” he groaned after a while. “I’ll try to make up with him, okay? But I did nothing wrong this time, he’s the one being the usual attention whore!” Ryo cried out.  
“Be sure to be properly nice,” Shota told him. “Tacchon might not be always that sensible, but he’s sensitive for sure.”  
Ryo muttered something and left.

As he headed through the hotel corridors looking for the room 1312, he kept asking himself why he was so mentally weak.  
It was all Ohkura’s fault: for being uselessly stubborn, for acting like a bitch and pretending then not to catch Ryo’s attention, for refusing to listen to his awesome song. Because Ryo was sure that if they’d ever manage to reach an equilibrium, that would have been only after Ohkura would have been put in front of said song.

Ryo stopped in front of the room number 1312, and knocked lightly.  
Nobody answered.  
He tried again, and again, then started feeling a bit pissed off. Ohkura didn’t have the right to sleep peacefully when he was in such a troubled condition.

Also, the previous incident at the hotel gym, a few hours before, had been so awkwardly embarrassing it was shameful even just recalling it in his mind. Luckily, none of the other band members seemed to know, and both him and Ohkura were far from being eager to tell them.

As soon as they had reached the hotel the evening before, Ryo had disappeared at the hotel gym, as he needed to concentrate before the concert venue.  
He had been unlucky enough to see Ohkura come up with the same idea some twenty minutes later. When they had seen each other, none had dared to speak. None seemed to want to talk to the other, not even to say hi, so that in the end they resolved in working out quietly and separately.

No wonder Steal your Love had felt even more awkward, then.

Ryo shook his head.  
They had to make up, one way or another.

He was about to use the passepartout card he had been given before by Shingo, ready to make a fuss over everything, but then he noticed the heavy door had been left ajar.  
And he realized the stupid drummer must have not even locked it, once again. Just like he was used in doing for the ten years after the Kobe earthquake had occurred.  
Ryo groaned, at a loss.  
Why did he have to know so much about him?

Ryo laughed nervously, scratching his head in the darkness of the room.  
“So, stupid drummer, here I am to say sorry, if you ever want me to say sorry for you-only-know-what,” he said.  
He got nothing as a reply.

“Hey, stop sleeping and listen to me,” he ordered, in a croaky voice.  
As he got no answer again, he retrieved his mobile from his back pocket and used it to light up the room a bit.

Ohkura was sleeping indeed on the bed in the center; Ryo walked closer. Both arms emerged from the blankets and were above the drummer, like he was always used to. His chocolate brown hair was messy and seemed still a bit damp, as if he hadn’t even dried it up before going straight to bed.  
Ryo felt the nervousness slowly take up the control of his own body, and called aloud again for him, reaching for the edge of the bed.

“Hey, wake up! Because if you don’t, I… I don’t know what… I…”  
“Mmhh” he got this time as a reply, and Ohkura turned on one side, facing him.  
“You’re a stupid drummer. A very stupid drummer.”  
"Yurichan..." he heard the younger man mumble in his sleep.

Ryo's throat clenched.  
“I hate you, Ohkura. You ruined everything.”

Ryo climbed the bed and sat by Ohkura’s side. He was about to bend slowly, when the drummer shifted, went lying on his back once again, and Ryo nearly felt atop him and cursed.  
“Yeah, you’re definitely a moron...” he mumbled, going back on his forearms while taking a full look of his silent band mate.

Ohkura’s sleep seemed even lighter now. Ryo breathed in and out, then called out aloud.  
“I’m going to kiss you now, you aho. So if you want me to stop and apologize instead, you’d better wake up now. Now or never.”  
He bent and aimed at Ohkura’s forehead, placing there the softest of kisses. He shifted so that he could rest his own forehead against Ohkura’s, taking in his quiet breathing. He could even feel the heat of his body despite the blankets separating them.

He felt like crying.  
He felt like being honest to both of them, despite all the times he had lied to the drummer about the true reasons behind his supposed stalking.

“I already know you’re not going to feel back, but maybe I just wanted you to know that I do, Tatsu. So much. Even if I don’t want to, you’re here and it hurts. So much.”  
All of a sudden, Ohkura’s arms went down and trapped Ryo’s back and nape, actually guiding him towards the drummer’s pouty lips.  
“Yuri…”

The kiss felt outrageously soft, nonetheless unexpected.  
Ryo pulled back immediately, but the sleeping Ohkura moaned and parted his lips and his fingers on Ryo’s nape pressed him in, so that the black-haired man couldn’t do but oblige. His stomach churned at the sensation opening up in his whole being, but the more the contact deepened, the more he felt like he was truly and horribly stealing his love.  
And it didn’t feel any good anymore.

What was the purpose of making out with a guy who was not even aware of what he was doing with the person he least wanted to see?  
Ryo reluctantly pulled back.

“I’m no Yuri, moron…” he whispered against Ohkura’s mouth before sitting up beside him. “Okay, I guess this is my turn anyway,” he muttered.

“I've loved you for a while, you know?" Ryo told him in a clear voice. "But it's true, I know it's true. I love you, and you don't love me back, and this feels so painfully ironic and ridiculous I should drown into my own stupidity and never face the world outside anymore. But I can't."

He bent to brush Ohkura's lips once more.  
"I love you, and I'll watch over you. Always.”  
He stood up and walked back.

“I’m sorry for being an asshole. But yeah, that’s what I am. Helplessly.”  
He closed the door behind him, and when in the corridor he rushed to his own room and locked himself in.  
He didn’t sleep that night either.  
But maybe he could get used at it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the "Hotel gym incident" is a fact ^^''


	5. Back off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ohkura makes mistakes, and so...

The Tokyo Dome had welcomed a few more venues for Kanjani8, and Ryo was glad they were over. He felt exhausted, and quite eager he could put some distance between him and Ohkura.

Being physically close to the drummer while feasting with Kanjani8 music felt as much enthralling as sad; he couldn't tell how much he loved sitting at the acoustic session and knowing his favourite band member was right behind him, his drum sticks hitting more strongly than ever.

At the same time, he knew he didn't have to misinterpret Ohkura's excitement. His smiles were addressed to their audience, to Maru and maybe even to him, fleeting and courteously-like, sometimes.  
But not the way he wanted it to be, and it crushed his inner self.  
He was the worse for fear.

Also, there had been another incident between the two of them.  
Ohkura’s missing the sync during the acoustic session had been done on purpose, in order to “eighter-tain” their fans better, but his messed up part during Omoidama was all but expected. 

When Ryo had made fun of it like their band mates had, Ohkura had glared bitterly at him only.

"As if it wasn't your fault!" the drummer spit at him.  
"EH?! Why me?!" Ryo couldn't believe his ears.

"Wait a moment," Shingo objected, frowning while looking from the guitarist to the drummer and back. "Didn't you make up last time like we severely recommended you to?"

"I can't remember such a thing," Ohkura replied, his voice razor-like.  
He looked accusingly at Ryo together with Shingo, and so did the other five Kanjani8 members after some awkward moment of silence.  
"Hey, I had apologized already!" Ryo told them, flushing pink at the memory.

"Oh, really? And when should that have happened?" The drummer scornfully asked.  
Ryo rolled his eyes.  
"Okay, so can we have a little talk right now?" he suggested, gesturing for the corridor beyond the greenroom.  
"Oh, I wonder," Ohkura bluntly replied, the sarcasm clear in his velvety voice.

"Please, Ohkura..." Ryo insisted, looking firmly at the drummer's eyes, who openly avoided his piercing gaze. Right then, Maru patted Ohkura not so gently on the back; the latter glared at him in disbelief, but couldn't avoid even Shota's concerned face beside the bassist.  
"Alright," he sighed, and followed Ryo outside the room and inside the nearest empty one.

"Okay, listen, I'm sorry for acting like an asshole," Ryo cornered him without wasting any other time. "I am indeed, I know. But I don't want things between us to be visibly awkward on stage also, so if you want me to feel sorry you don't have to worry... because I am, okay?"

"I'd wanna believe you," Ohkura murmured, his voice a little softer than before, "but what happened on stage..." He paused, looking tortured and shaking his head. “It’s distracting me. It’s you! My mistakes, they were your fault,” he insisted.

“Eh?! Are you nuts, Ohkura?! You’ve been the one-"  
“YOU have been, Ryochan!" the drummer suddenly cried out, gesticulating. "Whatever thing about me is obsessing you lately, it seems it's fucking distracting me also! And I hate it, for I really don't need any of this for sure right now..." he concluded, sulking aloud. “Leave me alone, can you?! Can you, please?"

Their eyes met. Ohkura looked like he was really and completely at a loss, and his torn expression was what eventually made Ryo feel suddenly bold and resolute about his not reciprocated feelings.

“So there’s something, right?” Ryo questioned him. “Yeah, maybe you’re okay with having a girlfriend because she’s cute and famous and all lovey dovey around you and you're such a diva and everything, but you still haven’t realized you’re... well, not over me yet. Not completely. It troubles you, and that's something, indeed.”

Ohkura looked speechless, his mouth agape in shock.  
“I should be what?!”  
“You heard me quite well,” Ryo insisted, narrowing his eyes.

“It’s ridiculous," Ohkura pointed out. "That has honestly nothing to do with feelings, Ryochan!"  
"I don't think so," Ryo replied, his heart galloping in his chest. He didn't like the way they were talking to each other, but somehow, he also felt like they actually needed it, to cleanse the mutual discomfort away.

"It doesn't," Ohkura stubbornly went on. “Why don’t you get it? It’s scare instead! Yeah, I’m scared, for having to see you acting this miserably around me. Can’t you see it yourself? It’s definitely not like you, Ryochan…” he argued, his voice seriously determined. “I don’t know what’s troubling you lately and I don’t even wanna know, but if you think this has something to do with me, then it’s you who is wrong.” His eyes were flaring, and he looked almost out of breath. Tired, also.

Ohkura looked intensely up at him.  
“Because I won’t feel back, Ryochan.”

Ryo swallowed hard.  
So Ohkura did know, in the end. Despite the harsh talks, the only thing they seemed to share lately, he had got it right. His hidden feelings, the ones that Ryo was so sure he’d not give so easily away.

Ryo opened his mouth to say something, then closed it. And after an awkward silence, he finally talked.  
“Well, at least I know what I really want, Tatsu, and for once, I’m not the one staying oblivious,” he replied, not even bothering to question the truth behind Ohkura’s blunt words. “Maybe one day you’ll realize it too, but maybe it will be already over for us both and for real, and forever.”

"I don't need to realize anything, please," the drummer insisted. "I just need you to stop harass me to no end. Give it a rest, Ryochan… please. Please."  
“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that," Ryo told him. “I already promised I’d stop.”

Ohkura raised an eyebrow.  
“I don’t even remember such a thing happening, and believe me, I think I would. Were you drunk, Ryochan?”  
“You’re not funny, you know...” Ryo whined, scratching his head. But the truth was, that after the stolen kiss incident, he felt all but ready to confess the other what had really happened that night. And for what purpose, even?

In Sapporo, Ryo had secretly told himself that he’d have stopped acting stupidly for him.

It did hurt, having feelings, but it did hurt also feeling like a fool. And it did hurt even more being rejected one day after another, continuously, not to mention seeing Ohkura acting so defensively from him. Maybe that was what hurt him the most.  
And maybe he was too tired to fight all by himself a useless war.

"Alright,” he sighed. “You win, Ohkura. I'll stop being a pain in the ass, starting now and forever, okay?"  
He looked up at the drummer, who slowly nodded in confirmation.

His lips parted to pronounce a silent thanks of appreciation, and Ryo couldn't help but feel his cheeks going slightly pink during such a sad moment. A moment he thinks he’ll hardly forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, about the true facts here, we've got Ohkura fumbling over Roller Coaster at acoustic sessions ;)


	6. Monologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A drummer, The Beatles and Kanjam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special chapter seen from Ohkura's POV

It's never been easy, between us.  
I probably didn't like him when we first met. He was a cocky little brat.  
Quite talented, to be honest, but still way too cocky. And a brat, shorter than me despite his being one year older.

He shined, and hasn't ceased to be a great guy ever since.  
While I was silent and pretty invisible, basically to anyone.

I've never been envious. Just... there was so much awe for him coming from me when he was around that I wondered if maybe I looked like a fool dude to him.

He's always been kind to me. Always. When nobody else noticed about me, he always did.  
When he first asked me if I wanted to share a cigarette with him, with that wicked lopsided grin of his, I just couldn't say no. We were way too underage and smoking was strictly forbidden, of course, but I think that was the day when I might have fallen for him, even though it took me many years to realize it as it really was.

After Uchi-kun got fired, he was the one mourning the most among the seven of us. And then, he grew fonder of me, and I still don't know why.

When we practiced our dance together for the solo we simply named after our initials, I guess I felt luckier than anyone else in the world: the sexy innuendos, the touches, having him in my arms, his sighs. How many people could be granted the same?  
But no, I craved for more.  
And he looked back at me as if he wanted more, too.

When we ended up in bed together, I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know how he felt inside, and maybe I didn't even want to know.  
I could be closely, physically intimate with him; it was more than I deserved back then, I couldn't hope for gaining his heart also.

He was the one giving me advice on how to better hit on chicks; he was always so serious, so persuaded I was worth spending his time with.  
He was the first one telling me I was handsome and that he was quite envious of the frame of my body.  
Because I was tall and well-built, when I'd rather have said of me I was plump and nothing else instead.  
He even apologized with a shy smile for talking that blunt to me, as if he hadn't been blunt with me all his life. Which I appreciate, most of the time.

I didn't believe him on that day, when we were in bed and he said we'd have never grown apart. He wasn't in love with me, and I didn't expect him to be. There was comfort, friendship, sexual attraction and a lot of other good points in our so-called friends with benefits relationship, but love was not there, and maybe our life and work are too messy for us to build something seriously worth it.  
Besides, I like girls. He likes girls and boobs, too.

And it seems he was right: I got on the spotlight in the end, went even naked for a famous photo shoot he strongly insisted I'd better accept. For my career.  
People, fans, everyone started noticing me. It's weird, sometimes. What are they seeing now, that they didn't before? My butt, really?  
I don't think I'm that different... or maybe I am?  
It's rather confusing, sometimes, also.

But when I got sick on the finale of our previous tour last January, I got the impression that it wasn't right, pushing myself too hard just in order to fake a smile, because people who really cares will notice, no matter what.  
I felt so bad. It's been quite a lesson for me.

I know he had cried when he came to visit me in the hospital with our five band mates. It was barely noticeable, at least compared to Yasu or Maruchan's puffy eyes, but I noticed.  
It was painful to see.  
I had loved him so much, but had only managed to make him worry for me instead. I promised myself I'd behave to make him proud of me, from that day on. Always. I owed him.

This last year has been quite happy and satisfying for me. Also, I'm seeing Yurikochan, who is cute and sweet and cares so much for me, for what I eat on my gluten-free diet and so on.  
I like her quite much, and want to treasure her as much as I can.

He seems to have silently approved my choice on her.  
Despite him being quite busy, he's still silently checking on me, I know. Always looking back, also when we perform music on stage. I pretend I don't notice nor look up, but I know he's looking, and I hope he can be finally proud of how I'm doing.

Sometimes, life makes us drift away.  
Some other times, we're back on feeling close, and I don't know why.  
Like last summer, when I spent one night with him. It was sweet, nostalgic-like.

I couldn't tell Yurikochan. But I haven't told her yet how much I loved him, and I'm still not sure she could understand what’s between us.  
I'm not sure I can get what's going on with him lately, either.

He's been acting weird recently. At first, I thought he was just having a stressful moment and I basically ignored his hints. But then it became frankly impossible, and we had several arguments.  
What was he thinking, by saying that he likes me? He cannot.

It's painful, having a fight with him. But in the end, we managed to clear up things and go back acting pretty polite towards each other.  
He told me he appreciated that I stopped looking at him as if I wanted to kill him anytime. I laughed, and he grinned back. That was refreshing.

But I can't help being quite concerned about him: he seems to have lost weight, and he's already so thin. People in charge for our outfits are busy adjusting clothes on him even now, during the tour, asking him if everything's alright.  
He quickly assured them he was eating as usual. I'm not sure.

I won't deny I feel definitely better when I see how much he looks happy and burden-free, like an innocent child, when he picks up his guitar and starts playing. I guess that's why I couldn't help but grant him a knowing smile when we performed Noroshi at the latest Music Station Super Live. Whenever he seems genuinely happy, I swear I'm happy too.

He's the one who strongly insisted for changing the playlist during each of our acoustic session at the concert venues. I made mistakes in there, and he laughed. I didn't like it -my mistakes, I mean-, but that couldn't be helped.

Today, we're recording a special Kanjam session which will air right on Christmas Day. I'm nervous, but I have a feeling he's way more nervous than me.  
We'll be covering some of The Beatles songs together with Maruchan and Shibuyan. What if we fail?

He's the one starting out with "Day Tripper."  
It might be his most unexpected Christmas present ever, who knows?  
His voice is so beautiful when he sings like that, as if he wouldn't like to do anything else, but this.

Sing. Heaven.  
Gosh, I'm happy, too. It's like this song is talking to me a bit, also, isn't it?

Got a good reason  
For taking the easy way out  
Got a good reason  
For taking the easy way out now  
She was a day tripper  
One way ticket, yeah  
It took me so long to find out  
And I found out

There's Maruchan then, and I like his voice on "Ticket to ride", too. He's versatile, Maruchan. He says he isn't, but Ryochan and Shochan agree with me. I look up at my band mates. They're so into this song.

I bet Ryochan's eyes are closed right now, immersing himself completely into the melody and the lyrics.  
He's so beautiful. So talented and beautiful.

I think I'm gonna be sad,  
I think it's today, yeah  
The girl that's driving me mad  
Is going away  
She's got a ticket to ride,  
She's got a ticket to ride,  
She's got a ticket to ride,  
But she don't care

She said that living with me  
Is bringing her down yeah  
For she would never be free  
When I was around  
She's got a ticket to ride,  
She's got a ticket to ride,  
She's got a ticket to ride,  
But she don't care

And then there's me, also.  
Starting after a guitar solo.

Help, I need somebody  
Help, not just anybody  
Help, you know I need someone, help

I cannot glance sideways at him, but we're singing with mixed syncs and it's turning out exceptionally good.  
I'm concentrated on the drums and the mic and Ryo's and Subaru's voice. It feels so good. I hope The Beatles won't beat our asses up after this performance, but I like this for real.

When I was younger, so much younger than today  
I never needed anybody’s help in any way  
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured  
Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors

Ryochan is singing with all his strength and passion, you can tell by his voice alone. I cannot see his face from here, but smile nonetheless. He's putting his whole self into this song. The way he pronounces its lyrics, is making me shiver.

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down  
And I do appreciate you being round

Dear Lord this song is talking about us. Us. Ryochan and me. I freeze but keep on drumming and I can't help but cast a look at him.

Help me get my feet back on the ground  
Won’t you please, please help me

I'm smiling. I'm smiling, because he's so perfect, he's so much music.  
Ow, Ryochan.


	7. Steal your Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does it means, to write lyrics?

The photo shoot was almost over.  
Subaru and Ryo had already finished with their parts, so Ryo left the Jimusho to grab some cans of beer and fresh air outside.

On those December days, it wasn't even chilly in Tokyo, something that felt rather weird after the tons of snow that kept piling up in Hokkaido in the meantime.  
Ryo knew they had been lucky indeed, for their Sapporo venue of fifteen days before had not been canceled in the end, despite flights and trains having been severely affected by the bad weather.

He was still lost in this thoughts when he came back.   
All of his belongings were on the very same table on a corner of the green room where he had left them; to his utmost astonishment, there was even Ohkura standing right there, staring at some scribbled piece of paper. Ryo immediately recognized it, being none other than the latest lyrics he had written, that he kept carrying with him anywhere to arrange something better here and there every now and then.

"Hey! That’s nothing for you to look at,” Ryo hissed angrily, rushing to snatch the paper away from Ohkura's hands.

"Hey, no need to act this nasty either...” the drummer told him, then softened. "I was just... well, collecting it from the floor. When I arrived in here, there was a clearfile on the floor, and papers scattered in everywhere. I think that might have fallen down the table... I guess that are yours, right?" He pointed to some clothes and an open bag.  
"Well, as I collected them back, I couldn't help but reading. I'm sorry. You're right, I didn't have to."

Ryo sighed and ran one hand to mess up the hair on his nape.  
“Well maybe I should be saying thanks, instead.... I'm sorry, too." He made a weak smile as he took the clearfile and let the missing piece of paper slide back inside.  
"It’s just... weird, you know. That’s what I really wanted you to listen and you never wanted to. And now you even found those lyrics by accident, I guess things couldn't get more awkward than this… I'm sorry."

"You don't have to, Ryochan."  
Ryo looked up at him, and when he found the drummer’s eyes, the latter spoke softly again.

“Can I listen?”  
“Eh?”  
"It's about me also, right? Can I listen to your song?"

"I don't... I don't actually think it's worth it anymore, Ohkura..." Ryo told him earnestly, biting his lip.  
"Well, I do."

"I'm really no Takahashi Yuu-san," Ryo insisted.  
"I don't want you to. But this doesn't mean we have to stop being… being friends, Ryochan. Because I don't want to for sure, either."

Ryo cocked his head to one side, thinking.  
"Me neither. But... it wasn't fair of me. What I did recently, I mean. You were right. So I think we’re better off with this song getting lost forever, okay?"  
“But-”  
“Please, Ohkura.”

They looked at each other again, and Ryo wished his plea could be clearly visible through his eyes.

What was the drummer thinking, now?  
It was painful, having to work side by side with Ohkura after their last arguments, the feelings he had come up with and the fragile balance they seemed to have reached in just a few days' time.

Ryo knew it was a miracle they were still talking to each other, because he wasn't for sure one of those guys who mastered diplomacy, even if he suspected that Ohkura might have been.

"Please, Ryochan. I wouldn't like to say that, but... you owe me."  
"I said no, and that's my last word. Please."

**

The following day, though, Ohkura was sitting on Ryo's comfy sofa in his apartment, waiting for Ryo to tune his guitar, right in front of him.

"You know I hate you, right?" Ryo grumbled low, eyes fixed upon his pick.  
"Yeah, and I'm quite okay with that," the drummer mused. Ryo looked up to glare at him, but Ohkura smiled tentatively at him, deflecting every possible hint of Ryo's rage.

"Whatever," Ryo groaned. "Now please shut that mouth up and let me do this fucking thing, okay?"  
He adjusted himself better on the couch, then played a few strong notes before starting off for real.  
He closed his eyes to get into the mood, and let his own music surround slowly his whole being.   
When he started singing in a clear and breath taking voice, he wasn't aware of Ohkura's presence anymore.

**

The loud laughter I treasure the most  
The caring attitude of yours  
getting on my damn nerves sometimes  
The painful silence of you missing from here  
The meals we’ve shared like anybody else hasn’t  
That’s you and me, basically

Back on those times   
when I was the one by your side  
Osaka shielding us  
A knowing nickname  
And no more words  
That was you and me, eternally

You still didn’t know   
That one day  
I’d be the very same one   
Who’d have done everything  
Just to steal your love  
Steal your love

Whenever you look so happy  
Just by having her   
By your side  
I want your safe world   
To get stolen from you  
Yeah, Steal your Love

That's bad, right?  
I know the way I feel  
makes you so uncomfortable  
It makes me like that too  
But I want to steal your love anyway  
Steal your Love

You still didn’t know   
That one day  
I’d be the very same one   
Who’d have done everything  
Just to steal your love  
Steal your love

Your body here  
Your mind so far away  
I wanna shout out  
Things you don’t wanna hear  
Stuck impossibly with you  
I wanna Steal your Love

So bad of me   
I’m always too late  
That’s only when you’re gone  
I miss you so much and realize  
You’re all that I ever wanted  
I wanna Steal your Love

You still didn’t know   
That one day  
I’d be the very same one   
Who’d have done everything  
Just to steal your love  
Steal your love

Now that you know  
things won’t change  
But I’m still the very same one   
And I’ll do everything I can  
To Win your Love  
Yeah, Win your Love this time  
Win your Love


	8. Donna ni hanarete tatte soba ni iru kara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steal your Love is reborn, but now what's left of TORN?

Ryo opened his eyes again only when the echo of his music had started lingering in the room, his fingers still on his guitar, his eyes on the guy sitting in front of him.

Ohkura’s face was streaked with tears, looking at him as if in trance.

Ryo felt a gush of something weird, deep within him, his heart suddenly racing way too much in his chest; he stood up feeling troubled, looking away.

“Told ya I didn’t have to,” he grumbled as he quickly put the guitar back into its case, his shoulders shielding him from those tears he couldn't look straight at. "Now you're moping and that wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, you know..." Ryo went on, keeping himself as busy as he could with the guitar case, his trembling voice croaky and harsh at the same time.

He was the one who needed consolation, yet Ohkura was the one crying.  
Why had the world to be always so messed up?

“I’m sorry... I'm sorry, Ryochan...” Ohkura's voice sounded pretty squeaky, too, trembling even more than Ryo's, who couldn't stand the situation anymore and turned once again, glancing suspiciously at his band mate. Judging by the awful conditions of the front of Ohkura's sweater, it seemed like the latter had long been silently crying. Maybe even starting from the first lyrics he'd pronounced.

The thought made his throat dry.  
Ryo sat back on the couch, not too close to the other young man but not too far away either.

“It’s a... a painful song, right?”  
“Painfully realistic, yeah,” Ohkura nodded, while wiping some tears away with his sleeve.  
Ryo handed him a kleenex box and the drummer promptly accepted the offer, blowing his nose loudly and repeatedly and trying to clean himself up afterwards.

In the meantime, Ryo didn't know how to feel.  
Could he take Ohkura's reaction as some compliment or rather as memento of a more nostalgic but long gone feeling?  
Playing for him alone had felt terrific, to say the least, but now he wasn't sure of its outcome.  
Well, it was Ohkura's fault. He'd been the one insisting to death.

"You made me a mess," the younger man said, as if reading through his confused mind.  
"I wasn't supposed to," Ryo replied, standing up to grab a new kleenex box in the cupboard, after his guest had made widely use of the one between the two of them.

“At first I thought we would have been better off with performing this on stage," Ryo told him then, on his way back. "But there’s no way we could ever do it. It’s no idol song.”  
“We’re no ordinary idols, though.”  
“Look who’s talking,” Ryo scolded him.  
Ohkura grinned.  
“Touché.”

The drummer looked up.  
“Ryochan... what has gone wrong between us? I mean, I-”  
“Geez, I’m not the one drooling over a girlfriend right now,” Ryo reminded him, and regretted soon after. “Shit... I’m sorry... Sorry, really,” he said, sitting back beside him.

“No, it’s okay,” Ohkura softly told him. “It’s rude, but that’s what you think, it’s alright for you to say it. You’re right, I have a girlfriend, and I really really like her a lot. A lot.”   
He stopped and paused for long before he added: “But you’re right when you say... Well, you make me feel emotional and it’s not only or always about the memories. And it’s not just about a friendly thing either.   
You’re... Ryochan. And there's indeed just one Ryochan for me, I guess, but-"  
“You're apparently also the only one I’d do something like this for,” Ryo cut him off.

It was the very first time he felt the need to go that far and straight with words with someone, about his private feelings, and the thought struck him hard.

“But I... I cannot, Ryochan. I cannot, and-”  
“Well, I cannot either," Ryo insisted. "I feel for you. Honestly. And there’s apparently no way I cannot. I’m really sorry, Ohkura. I'm sorry because I know this means shit. I don't wanna ruin your life, you know?  
I don't wanna have you look at me the way you did just a few days ago, when basically you didn't look at me anymore and when you did, it was with anger and bother showing up. I don't want to, for it sucks. It really sucks."  
When he finished, Ryo was almost out of breath, but didn't regret a word.

And all of a sudden, the drummer caught him by his shirt and pulled Ryo close in a bear hug.  
Ryo gaped a protest, but the drummer's grip did not loosen of an inch, and in the end, Ryo sighed and let him do, holding him back.  
Ohkura smelled fresh and tantalizing, as always.

“I don’t think you ever hugged me before,” Ryo muttered against his shoulder. Was it that bad that he had now no will to pull away?  
“Maybe you never gave me the chance,” the drummer answered quietly.  
"That's not true," Ryo argued.  
"I didn't mean in bed, Ryochan."  
"Oh."

“We’ve always been more for the hotness than anything else, right?”  
“Is it any bad?”  
“Not necessarily. But we lacked the rest.” Ohkura shifted a bit, his chin resting by Ryo’s head. “Maybe that’s why we never really hooked up, in the end. We’ve never been honest with each other about what’s due to be in a serious relationship. We never cared about setting the grounds for what’s important in there. That’s what I’m trying to do with Yurichan now. Hoping I’m doing good, but I still don't know.”  
And as suddenly as things had turned unexpectedly sweet, the mood was off again.

“Don’t worry,” Ryo assured him, trying to keep his best controlled voice. “A motherly hug does not count as cheating. I’ll tell her if you feel too ashamed to tell her yourself.” Ryo pulled back from the embrace, while Ohkura’s gaze still rested upon him.

“What’s wrong?” Ryo asked with a frown.  
“It’s unfair of me also,” Ohkura confessed before leaning in and place a soft kiss on Ryo’s temple.

Ryo froze from shock, and didn’t move when his band mate’s tempting lips wandered down, found his own and sealed them together in a chaste kiss. Ryo pulled abruptly away.

“If that counts as a way to thank me for the song, you really didn’t have to," he grumbled low. "I really hope you didn’t make out with Takahashi Yuu-san also, what the heck...”  
Ohkura chuckled.

“Do you honestly think so? Because if you do, there’s no way we can ever fix the things between us.”  
"I don't know," Ryo said, wriggling away from the actual question. "You were the one who would always freak out at the thought of kissing a band mate, and now you're up from nowhere with blowing kisses to anyone."

"But you're not anyone," Ohkura complained.  
"Well then, so Maru is, I guess, right?" Ryo asked.  
"Eh? Why Maruchan, now?”  
Ryo snorted, slightly embarrassed at the memory, and couldn't explain further.  
"Do you mean, the Recital kiss?! But that was meaningless!"

Ryo blinked.  
Meaningless?  
Meaningless??

"...Whatever," he finally spluttered.  
"Are you jealous? How can you be jealous of Maruchan, Ryochan?!" Ohkura asked, genuinely bewildered, his eyes wide.  
"Well, why would you even care?!" Ryo snapped, standing up and waving his arms around. And the silence fell like a gloomy tent in Ryo’s little living room.

“Sorry...” Ryo said then, scratching his head nervously. “I think I might be just awfully tired.”  
“It's okay... I actually need to get going,” Ohkura politely replied, quickly retrieving his coat, hat and scarf from the couch.   
“Thanks for letting me hear the song.” the drummer smiled sheepishly at him. “That was... perfect,” he commented sweetly.

Yeah, Ryo thought once he had waved Ohkura bye and closed the door behind him, the drummer’s words seemed definitely right in describing their situation.

Perfect, but in past tense.   
Not quite there.


End file.
